We all have good and bad qualities and behaviors that directly stem from “Ego.” It is creating that 50/50 balance between them that makes up many parts of our life’s journey.
To have Ego is to be Human; our ego can keep us alive, help us survive, see ways to strive then possibly thrive. Ego can be attached to comparison and judgment, stimulating a need to stay alive and survive. It is also attached to self-awareness (striving) and discipline in mind-management (thriving; next level shit).
The connection of the mind to the body is the relationship between limbic and prefrontal (mind) then parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems (body). These combinations forming what we might refer to as the Ego is our driving force behind the actions we choose to take. Being human means, we can view our humanness, or separate ourselves from thinking and emotions, by observing our thoughts and feelings almost like we are viewing them through a window. This takes discipline in mind-management. But, how do we do this?
Sometimes we need to be just scared, especially if you are in a dangerous situation and need to get out of harm’s way quickly and without thought. That is why—and for good reason—we compare and judge from past experiences using Ego as our default so we can stay alive and survive.
Other times we want to experience no worries; we want to be “okay” with everything and not have reactions as it is possible to become paralyzed from over-analysis. This is what I call “Low-Grade Awareness.” Many people stay in this area because it is comfortable and familiar. Staying here would give you a sense of striving. These two feelings are part of the “Surviving and Striving side of Ego” that keeps you from stepping outside your comfort zones.
Instead of just striving, I want to offer that instead of running from emotions such as fear and stress, you can lean into them and see what can happen on the other side of that window. Pull yourself back from the surviving Ego and discipline your mind to view your emotions and thoughts from a distance. This will allow you to see what you are doing and thinking and choose actions that will drive you toward what you want to become and thrive.
Stop, breathe, and question all sides. You are no longer avoiding anything but allowing yourself to fully feel the moment and learn as you lean into it. It’s messy, it’s unpredictable, but as you allow all emotions having awareness of your body and engage in acts of realization with curiosity you will begin to create solutions you never knew that you were capable of before. Homeostasis, a balance in our body, can happen when we become self-aware of the different stages of our Ego and connect them so that they are in-sync. I see it as being a spiritual being, created from a higher Power (for me that is God) learning to traverse the human experience of finding balance with Ego in order to not only survive, but to also Thrive
These next three Co-dependent behaviors carry the belief that making everyone happy will not only improve their own life but others’ lives, as well. A thought like I just want everyone to be okay is full of good intentions but can backfire if not addressed. Co-dependents wear the behaviors of people-pleasing, dependency, and caretakinglike a badge of honor. Let’s dive into these three behaviors and see how one could trade them for more of a Leading Lady’s behavior.
People Pleasing is a slippery slope that can be developed as a child and become crippling as an adult. Do you find yourself saying things like, “Yes, I can do that, or I am so sorry, to I totally agree?” Have you found yourself saying these words even when you didn’t agree, didn’t need to apologize, and would have rather said no? The behavior I want to offer as a replacement is becoming a Peace Maker. As a Peace Maker, you are not in search of anyone’s approval and you have let go of controlling the decisions of others. A peacemaker is solid in their views and understands the difference between loving the person but not agreeing with their action. Even if others want to say you must not love me, you don’t need to clarify but you do show up with compassion. You are not responsible for a loved one’s response; being a peacemaker is letting them say what they want and showing up with no intention of changing their mind.
Dependency might seem like an obvious behavior for a co-dependent to have. Having the belief that if I repeatedly show love to someone, they will be more confident, and I will be important to them creates dependency. Becoming Interdependentin our relationships will make a huge impact on how we show up for others. As you understand the role that is needed for your growth you can and will want to let go of ideas that “they need you” and replace it with “I learn from others.” Seeing others as an equal and learning from them will nourish both of your interdependent qualities.
When you do for others what they are capable of doing for themselves, you are missing out on growth for the both of you. Caretaking, as a woman, can be a behavior that seems hard wired in us; you want to nurture your loved ones and it comes to you so naturally. However, it can become unhelpful when used as a tool for control.
Caretaking, when replaced with Personal Responsibility, will be something worth viewing from different angles. Understand that Personal Responsibility isn’t doing for others but rather doing for yourself as you become the example of what is possible. Giving to our loved ones is a beautiful thing, and it is important that the giving always comes from love without any expectations. Personal Responsibility is key when exploring decisions made based on caretaking.
As you exchange your behaviors of People Pleaser for Peace Maker, Dependency to Interdependent, and Caretaker to Personal Responsibility take a look at the emotion that is driving your actions. Can you find actions that bring you a sense of abundance? Can you show up with no thought of changing your loved ones, and have faith in yourself? It would be my honor to walk beside you as I teach you skills that will cultivate new thoughts and stimulating helpful emotions that allow you to create positive action in your life. We will begin by processing one behavior at a time as you go from impossible to possible, then jump into inevitable
Here are twelve behaviors that I have compiled for ladies who find it hard to let go of their Co-Dependent habits. If you can relate you might be struggling with creating purpose, calm, and joy in your life:
Obsession -You might use the word “safe” when focusing on other people. You find yourself worrying about things that have not happened and you struggle to let go.
Control- You have plenty of ideas of what people “should do.” You give advice sometimes when no one is asking and have a hard time listening as you are thinking of how to reply.
Denial- You say you “care too much” and when you see others not lifting a hand, you question their character and play the part of the overworked loved one.
Comply- Instead of communicating you comply. When something is bothering you, you don’t speak up and use it as evidence that you are not being appreciated for all you do.
Unclear Boundaries- Because you don’t want “confrontation” you say nothing and build resentment. You don’t set boundaries because you want everyone to feel comfortable even when you don’t.
Reactive- When people address you with their perspective you take it personally and become defensive. You have a hard time hearing constructive input or thoughts that don’t align with how you see it.
People Pleasing- You apologize, agree, and say yes because you believe it’s what a good person is supposed to do, even when you don’t agree, want to say no, and it wasn’t your fault.
Dependency- Your worth has somehow become dependent on how valuable you are to your husband, children, parents, friends, and coworkers. When loved ones no longer need you, you feel lost.
Caretaking- You have your list and order in the way you do things. No one can care for the people in your life as you do.
Low Self-Esteem- Because you stay busy helping everyone else you do not take time to look inward at your needs. You don’t try new things and you tell yourself “I’m fine.”
Problem with Intimacy- You might be fine with touching and loving on others. When others want to reciprocate you do not want to receive it. You give but don’t openly allow yourself to receive.
Painful Emotions- Because you have focused much of your life on everyone else you do not know how to allow yourself to sit with your emotions. You often think “something is wrong with me” or “I don’t deserve it.”
What if you could eliminate a behavior you once thought was crucial because it fulfilled the need for you to just survive? Combining an intrinsic awakening with an authentic desire to change will allow you to not just eliminate the habit but exchange for one that will help you thrive. Seeing the effects of your efforts will make the impossible become possible and even inevitable. It will become unimaginable for you to sink into old behaviors which seemed so crucial at the time, but now no longer serve you.
As I dive deeper into each one of the twelve behaviors in my next 4 blogs, I will share more detail about each habit as I explain a counter habit that, when developed, can transform you. What I have and will be sharing might arouse some inner dialogue within you, and if it does— hold onto those thoughts, reach out to me, and together let’s develop your Leading Lady qualities
Do you find it hard to make decisions? What evidence or information do you think is lacking that keeps you from making a decision? When making decisions, the brain likes to point out the reasons why something is a good or bad idea; we may need more information, or we need to wait for someone else or something else to happen so we can decide. Yet, even when that something happens, our brain could still find reasons to not make a choice.
You have already made many decisions in your lifetime. If you are reading this blog you made the decision to read it. When you are done reading it you will get to decide what you think of it. Some decisions like what spice to use in a recipe, or what road to turn down give you rapid results so you can determine the significance of your choice. Other decisions, such as who you choose to marry and if you want kids could take more time to provide the information needed to determine if your choice was a good one or not and whether you would do it again. We all go through changes in life as we evolve, so our views most likely change as life progresses. Keep in mind that you get to offer thoughts about the change and apply meaning to those changes.
But, what if every decision you make going forward was one that you could look back on and say, “Wow, I learned a lot from that decision.” Making a decision is defined as a conclusion or resolution made after consideration. Below are two different scenarios on buying a new car. Which scenario is more reflective of you?
You did your homework, and this is the car you wanted. You bought it for a good price, and you feel confident about the person and dealership that you bought it from. You swear that more people are driving this car since you bought it. You even start seeing the color of your new car on other cars and in unpredicted items that you never saw before. This was the right car for you!
You are apprehensive if it was a good purchase. You made a decision, unsure about the dealership and salesman, you start to hear rumors that they are not an honest dealership. You see the same car and model on the side of the street, broken down. Others that are on the road have dents in them. You begin to question if it was a good idea and start to think maybe you need to trade it in for a different car. This car must be a lemon!
When we make a decision believing it was a good one, our brain will begin to work to show us why the choice was such a good idea. On the flip side of that, our brain will also offer evidence of why something is a bad idea when we are unsure and find evidence to prove why you shouldn’t have made that choice. Making an informed decision builds self-confidence and allows you the opportunity to learn while giving your brain a chance to find solutions. When we get stuck in indecision, we find more problems and feel unsure, often spinning with unresolved thoughts.
There is the option to give our brain the chance to make a decision and allow that decision to unravel naturally as we manage our responses instead of reacting. Seeing every decision-making opportunity as an occasion to learn something about life could give your brain the chance to open up and allow trust in yourself to make more confident decisions.
Do you talk to yourself? Whether it is an internal or an external dialogue, we all talk to ourselves on some level. It is common and healthy to talk to yourself and can be really helpful when trying to problem solve in our day to day living.
My next question is how do you talk to yourself? Do you ever find yourself saying, “Oh, I always do that,” or say things like, “That’s just me being me?” We can easily think that these words are just simple and mean little to nothing. However, to your brain, these words mean exactly what you are saying and have merit. Affirming that your behavior now is proof of your past behavior and you are reinforcing a habit and allowing the past behaviors, whether conscious or not, to dictate your present and potential future thinking.
How many times have you told yourself you are going to change and then the next moment declare to yourself and others that “It’s just the way I am?” We can tell ourselves we are going to change but it might be challenging to accomplish when we reaffirm “that’s just who I am.” Deciding how you talk to yourself is deciding how you want to show up in the world. Creating inward confidence will only come when we allow ourselves to see the world as ever changing and give ourselves permission to change, too. Understanding you are going to fall back into old behavior until you consciously create new one.
I gave a few examples so far of little things we might say to ourselves. Might I suggest that you find just one saying that you catch yourself repeating and work on changing it by following these steps:
Write down the saying that you are wanting to change.
After you write it down examine the scenarios that you are in when this thought comes into your thinking.
Once conscious of the thought and what you are doing when thinking this thought, write down beside it something you believe, or are trying to believe, and say it instead.
Here are a few examples of replacing a current thought with a new thought:
Instead of saying that’s just the way I am you could say, I am evolving each day, so change is inevitable.
Instead of saying I always do this, you could say, it is possible that I can do this in a different way.
Instead of saying I’m such an idiot, you could say, sometimes I do silly things, but I learn from all things.
Envision the future you want and decide how your thoughts will help you create it. Our memory of the past is just that; a memory. It will take up as much space as we allow it to, just like our future thinking will create the energy that we need to manifest the results we want. Creating a habit of how we talk to ourselves gives us an opportunity to play a part in our own evolution.
I want to first be clear that as a Life Coach I am not a counselor, psychiatrist, or have the degree and schooling to prescribe medications and help those who are struggling to live a baseline life. A few examples of issues that require a licensed professional’s help are having suicidal thoughts, persistent depression, intense trauma, or abuse. I am grateful to the mental health profession and all they do to help those who need them and make society a better place as a whole.
As a life coach, I personally help those with codependent behaviors who are living a baseline or above life. They are sad sometimes, get frustrated and overwhelmed, experience moments of anxiety and depression along with feeling out of control. The Lady I love to help is the one that knows there is more to her than how she is showing up in her relationships. This Lady wants help to create clarity and implement it into her life.
A fixed mindset will give you what you already have. An open mindset can show you what is possible. Unconscious or not your life reflects what you believe in the core of your soul to be your reality When looking back on your past experiences can you see moments in your life that you manifested from your own desires? We can only become the effect of a situation if we allow ourselves to see it as something that is happening to us. When it comes to our past, we can decide now, in the present, how we want to view that memory.
Being human, we have memories of pain and experiences that leave their marks. The truth is we all experience pain, no one will go through life without experiencing pain on some level. When you talk to enough people you begin to realize that there are many who have had pain; some pain you don’t relate to and others you do. Then why is it that some can move on and others get stuck? As a Life Coach, I believe it has a lot to do with conscious mind management.
The future is wide open for interpretation; how you navigate your future plans will create the reality that is to be. If we are that powerful when it comes to our thinking of the future, can we not use that same power on the past? Here are four questions that might help you in changing your past:
What did I learn from this situation?
How is this memory hurting me today?
What do I need to let go from this memory?
How can I see it another way?
Might it be possible that we are using our past to reason with our present as it allows us to excuse ourselves for why we stay where we are? Remembering that life is 50% good and 50% bad is a thought that might help you see your past in a different light. The bad stuff is formed in memory but there were good times, too. When life is rough, asking yourself, “What is the good that I can see in this situation?” or “How is this creating me into the beautiful lady that I am today?”
I am not suggesting suppressing emotions from the past, but rather come to a conclusion of how you want to use this information when you look back and decide how the events in the past were part of creating the perspective that you needed to live for today.